Boys Will Be Boys Book

Jeff Pearlman's new book, Boys Will Be Boys, chronicles the Dallas Cowboys exploits on and off the field during their 90's Super Bowl run. After reading a few of the highlights, I immediately purchased the book. Here are some of the fascinating tidbits, via KSK

-Charles Haley once cut a hole in the roof of Tim Harris’ BMW and pissed onto the steering wheel. This story made me happy, because as a Vikings fan I fucking hated Tim Harris.

-Once in a team meeting, Haley came back from the bathroom, pulled down his shorts, wiped his ass, and threw his poopy toilet paper at 49ers linebacker coach John Marshall.

-During another team meeting, Haley whispered to teammate Scott Case, “Scott, turn around, I gotta show you something… Scott, dammit, turn around! You need to see this!” When Case turned around, according to Pearlman, he “saw Haley’s erect penis stretched across the desk.”

-The Cowboys often held position meetings at strip clubs.

-Michael Irvin financed a Cowboys charity basketball team called the Hoopsters that had its own private plane, which was mostly used to hold airborne orgies, with Irvin dictating who should be fucking who. “There was nothing Mike couldn’t think of,” said his assistant. “He had quite the imagination.”

-Irvin also charged huge personal appearance fees for the Hoopsters to show up at events. In one case, he charged the Little Dribblers of Fairfield Texas $5,600 to appear, then RAISED the fee, then failed to show up and refused to refund the original money after the organizer balked at paying the increased charge. Irvin also slugged a volunteer ref during one of the team’s games.

-The Cowboys gave specific instructions to American Airlines to only hire beautiful attendants for their charter flights, and kept a book with photos and measurements of the best-looking stewardesses.

-One Christmas, Emmitt Smith gave teammates copies of his own autobiography as a gift.

-When he was very young, Barry Switzer’s mother committed suicide in front of him. Even worse, she did it just after Switzer had bravely (and quite eloquently) confronted her about her alcoholism. And if you can’t feel for Switzer after reading the whole story, I don’t really want to know you.

-Nate Newton once hid a Snickers bar in his uniform, which then flew out during a game. Afterwards, cornerback Larry Brown was heard to remark, “Did a damn candy bar just fly from Nate’s body, or am I imagining things?”

-Jerry Jones routinely cheated on his wife with a Texas Stadium Corp employee named Susan Skaggs, often using the team plane to do so. (What is it with the Cowboys and fucking in the sky?) Jones’ pilot said, “We could feel the airplane moving and shaking. It didn’t move and shake that long.” WOO HOO!!! YOU AIN’T EVER HAD LOVIN’ LIKE THE OL’ DOUBLE-J! Excuse me for moment. I now have motion sickness.

-Switzer fucked the wife of player personnel head Larry Lacewell. And Lacewell wasn’t even mad about it.

And now some money quotes:
Haley to Steve Young in the locker room after a 49ers loss: “I could have fucking won that game in my sleep! You’re a motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback! A motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback with no balls!” You know, I used to say the EXACT same things about that guy!

James Washington on Jim Everett: “Yeah, I would smash Jim Everett when I wasn’t supposed to, but I thought the bitch was a punk.”

Washington: “A lot of were addicted to it… to the pussy.” Well, who can blame anyone for pussyholism?

Irvin, to teammates in the locker room: “How can I allow only one woman to have a body this good? This is the body you will aspire to have. This is the body you will aspire to achieve. You will not achieve it, but this is what you will strive to achieve.” Notice he made no similar boasts about his brain.

Anonymous player: “Mike got more Cowboys laid than touchdown catches.”

Anthony Montoya, Irvin’s assistant: “The one thing I felt guilty about is helping Mike lie so many times to Sandy (Irvin’s wife). He cheated on her nonstop.”

Columnist Mike Freeman on Emmitt Smith: “He had a huge ego that made him sort of a dick.”

Emmitt Smith to cornerback Clayton Holmes, after Holmes asked Smith to sign an autograph for his mom, with his mom standing right nearby: “Man, I ain’t signing shit!”

Anonymous player: “Mike didn’t have a drug problem. Mike had a pussy problem.”

Jerry Jones: “I could step out and hire Barry Switzer as coach of the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow and he’d do a better job than Jimmy (Johnson). Hell, I could probably get Lou Holtz over here.”

“I had one of those anal probes, but I’m a little more clearheaded now… Did you say you wanted me to coach the Cowboys?…” Switzer to Jones, after being offered the Cowboys job right after having a colonoscopy. Jones never bothered to interview Switzer before offering him the job.

Switzer, at his first meeting with the team: “Where the hell is Charles Haley? I’m mad at you! I heard you flicked your dick at everybody, and you didn’t do it to me? What am I, chopped liver?”

“Give me five minutes and I’ll take you to heaven,” Jones to a female friend of a reporter. He also asked the woman if she had any panties on under her skirt.