Plane to remove life vests to cut costs.

As if air travel couldn't be any more horrendous, a regional carrier for Air Canada, Jazz, has decided to remove life vests to save weight and fuel. Add "Jazz" to the exponentially growing list of airlines I refuse to fly on.

Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox

Via the Onion, they are just saying what people are thinking. I'm sure everyone is amused right now except for Stuart Scott. And his Left Eye.

The Wizard Game

Compliments of Ole Danny Boy, I bring you the Wizard Game. Much like the board game Othello, it takes a minute to learn, a lifetime to master.

Note to self, never play slamball

During a freak slamball accident, the guy destoys his ankle. Warning, not for the faint of heart. Send G. Plourde your disgusting comments.

NFL Playoff Picks

NFL Playoff Picks

Every year, 5-7 teams return to the playoffs from the previous season. Inevitably, the Patriots, Colts, Chargers and Seahawks are part of the 5-7 recurring teams, so that doesn't bode well for the rest of the returning playoff teams. This is due in part to free agency, injuries and strength of schedule. In addition, there is always one team that makes the "jump" to the playoffs after only winning a couple of games the previous season. This makes projecting the NFL playoffs exceedingly difficult, but I will certainly give it a shot. Without further ado, here are the picks...

NFC

East - Easily the hardest division in football, this division has produced three playoff teams each of the past two years. Last year the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Cowboys and Redskins went to the playoffs, and the Eagles were probably the greatest 8-8 team in NFL history. My gut tells me Eli Manning and the Giants have spent too much time on the banquet circuit this offseason, while their division foes have only gotten stronger. I think Donovan McNabb stays healthy, Tony Romo joins the NFL's elite QB's (if he wasn't already a member) and Jason Campbell has a career year.

Pick: Eagles*, Redskins, Cowboys.

North - If the NFC East is the hardest division in football, the North very well might be the worst. The North's four starting QB's would all be backups to the four NFC East starters. But the rules say someone must win this division out of Minnesota, Green Bay, Chicago and Detroit. The smart money says Minnesota--with superior defense and an incredible running game--should be able to pull off nine or ten wins. Green Bay might struggle without Brett Favre, Chicago has embraced Kyle "Neck Beard" Orton as their starter and Detroit is content to let Matt Millen continue to run the franchise into the ground. By process of elimination, that leaves the Vikings to come out alive.

Pick: Vikings*

South - In the last five years, all 4 teams have won a division title (Tampa Bay won two), making handicapping the division that much harder. Atlanta is in shambles and in rebuilding mode. Tampa Bay is always frisky but eventually their dicey QB situation will come back to bite them. Carolina seems solid on paper, but they haven't been good the last five years or so and don't appear to have gotten much better. That leaves New Orleans, who clearly has the best offense in the division. If their defense can stay healthy and keep teams from scoring over 40 points, they should be able to handle this division.

Pick: Saints*

West - The last five or six years or so, this division has been Seattle and everyone else. While San Francisco, Arizona and St. Louis have all improved during the offseason, this is still Seattle's division to lose. Mike Holmgren, the Seahawks coach/resident walrus, is in the last year of his contract and I believe he is motivated to go out a winner. Plus, Seattle is such a difficult place to play for visiting teams, they just need to a couple of road wins to remain competitive in this division.

Pick: Seahawks*

AFC

East - Do you think Tom Brady douses himself with an entire bottle of Stetson before each game to repel defenders with the pungent smell? I say yes. Whatever Brady and the rest of the Patriots are doing, they are obviously doing it well, so they are pretty much the closest thing to a lock for the playoffs. People keep harping on the Jets this offseason, but I really don't see it. Yes they have an improved offensive line, and acquired Brett Favre, but really I don't think that makes them and automatic playoff team. They have to play the Patriots twice, which means they are 0-2 in those games, and would realistically have to win 10 out of 14 games. I don't see that happening. I actually like the Bills this year, and almost picked them but their QB situation isn't great. Trent Edwards and JP Losman can sling the ball, but don't produce enough wins. The Dolphins should improve under Parcells' management, but they are still at the bottom rung of the ladder.

Pick: Patriots*

North - In the last three years the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers have won the division, so why can't the Browns win it this year? They won ten games last year and barely missed the playoffs, and return a potent offense and solid defense. The Steelers are really good but have a brutal schedule--playing the Colts, Chargers and Patriots never helps your record. The Bengals are frisky but seem to believe they are better than they actually are. Plus it seems they are never interested in actually winning, just putting on an aerial show between Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson. The Ravens might actually be good this year, but they are starting some combination of Troy Smith, Kyle Boller and Joe Flacco. Pick your poison. If the Browns can stay healthy this year, I think they can win the division.

Pick: Browns*

South - What's not to like about a 6'5", 230 lbs. quarterback with a laser, rocket arm? Peyton Manning has been a little banged up this off season, but he has never missed a game in his career, and I don't expect him to start missing games now. Last season came the inevitable let down following their Super Bowl season, but I think they come back with the same desire as two years ago. Not that they won't have competition. The Jaguars have been drafting defensive lineman to get to Peyton Manning for the better part of a decade and they might actually catch him this year. The Texans have improved as well, and will certainly put up a good fight against the Colts and Jags. Also, the Titans who made the playoffs last year and always seem to be in the hunt, could surprise some people. After the NFC East, this is probably the best division in the football and was tempted to pick three playoff teams, but in the end only went with two.

Pick: Jaguars*, Colts

West - The Chargers are solid and any team that has LaDainian Tomlinson is going to be in the hunt, but if I had to pick one team from the consistent playoff performers (Patriots, Colts, Seahawks and Chargers) to miss the playoffs, it would be the Chargers. Denver is always brilliantly mediocre with Cutler slinging the rock and Kansas City has one of the worst offenses in the league. That leaves Oakland. It doesn't make any sense why a team that has won 19 combined games over the last five years should suddenly become good this season. I liken it to baseball's Tampa Bay Rays. They have been awful for so long, and have accumulated so many high draft picks, they should eventually be a contending team. The Raiders have a very underrated defense that should let them stay close in some games, and a very potent offense with JaMarcus Russell, Darren 4.27 McFadden, Justin Fargas and Javon Walker. I think they shock the world, win nine games and make the playoffs.

Pick: Chargers*, Raiders

*Division Winner

Playoff Picks

East -

Wild Card - Eagles over Cowboys, Redskins over Vikings

Division Playoffs - Eagles over Saints, Seahawks over Redskins

Conference Championship - Eagles over Seahawks

West -

Wild Card - Browns over Raiders, Colts over Chargers

Division Playoffs - Patriots over Browns, Colts over Jaguars

Conference Championship - Colts over Patriots

Super Bowl - Colts over Eagles**

** I'm purposely not picking the Redskins*** to avoid jinxing the Burgundy and Gold

***I realize I may jinxed them by saying I wasn't jinxing them, but by writing this, I'm avoiding the double, and possibly the triple jinx

Mendenhall is Epps. Epps is Mendenhall.

After fumbling a few times in the most recent Steelers game, the team instituted a policy that is exactly like the plot line of The Program--minus laying down in oncoming traffic. Rashard Mendenhall plays the Omar Epps character, the talented but raw freshman/rookie that fumbles too much. The rest of the team tries to knock the ball out of his hands during the day for a small reward from the coaching staff. Not sure if this helps or hurts his fantasy value.

What makes this even more amusing is the fact Omar Epps looks exactly like the Steelers coach, Mike Tomlin. Too funny.

Astronomical Prices for New York Season Tickets

Not that I have season tickets to the Giants, Jets, Yankees or Mets, but this article doesn't make me want to sign up any time soon. To help pay for the new stadiums, the owners are charging a transfer fee to to continue owning those seats. It seems the season ticket holders are in a tough sport: either pay the transfer fee or lose the seats (which would be snatched up by some willing fan).

One Hell of a Handicapper

Even though I wasn't exactly going out on a limb by picking Biden, Blogengood does have the power to look into the future.

A Modern Day Anchorman

Couldn't help but be reminded of Anchorman when I read this story. However, instead of taking place in a wwwwwwwwwwwhale's vaaagina in the 70's, this story is set in modern day Philadelphia.

Midget Wanted for Fantasy Football Draft

Via the Citizen, I'm tempted to post something similar for my upcoming fantasy football office draft.

The Foggy Monocle

CitizenJake just passed this along to me. The Foggy Monocle is a website where people submit rather humorous anecdotes in email or gchat form about shenanigans while out on the town. I've read a few submissions and it's quite funny. Plus, anytime you can seamlessly incorporate a Monocle into a name, you've done a good job.

Betting with Weed

New chip design for Bellagio or the Venetian? No, that would be weed this man lays down on the table. Easily the best part is when the suspect realizes he "bet" too much and takes some back.

Obama to select VP

Obama is expected to select his running mate any day now. Speculation is swirling around the top candidates including Joe Biden, Evan Bayh, Tim Kaine and Bill Richardson. The smart money is on Obama picking Biden, a senator from Delaware, because of his foreign policy experience over guys like Bayh and Kaine, who are not quite as seasoned. Obama would certainly get a boost in Indiana (Bayh's home state) and Virginia (Kaine's stomping grounds), but that doesn't necessarily translate to turning the state blue. Edwards didn't help Kerry win North Carolina in 2004, so I don't think that strategy works. My money is on Biden, even though I curse Delaware every time I pass through since they charge about $25 worth of tolls.

LT + KimboSlice = Strong

Just a couple of dudes getting a stew on.

Shawn Kemp is playing in Italy. Someone is gettin' pregnant.

Instead of talking about obscure Olympic sports, I'd rather touch on former NBA stars. Something tells me Italy isn't getting the same player from the mid-90's Sonics.

"The Hills" in DC

Sign of the apocalypse. I repeat, DC is not Los Angeles, and I give the show 6 episodes before it's canceled. Since NBC is torpedoing Project Runway for Lifetime, having a timeslot after Project Runway isn't as attractive as it might seem.

Snoop Buys a Power Drill

From the first scene of Episode 1 in Season 4. Epic drama courtesy of The Wire.

Damn you Netflix, damn you.

Apparently due to technical problems, Netflix hasn't been able to send out movies as fast as usual. Single fist shake at that company.

Cindy McCain hospitalized

Cindy McCain was hospitalized after an overzealous handshake on the campaign trail. The article fails to mention how dozens of botox shots would affect your bones.

Bates College Olympians

Bates, not to be confused with UCLA or Florida, has had a decent number of Summer Olympians. Before this guy, I'm pretty sure these guys were the last Olympians from Bates

Chris Chambers, Chris Cooley video

And look who just bumped up in my fantasy football rankings. That's right, Chris Chambers.

Office Poker Tournament

I'm playing in an office poker tournament tonight. In honor, here are a few juicy Rounders clips.



and another one...

Guide to Headbands

Beautifully done. I myself wore a headband junior year at Bates for soccer. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but was probably ill advised.

Spanish mock Chinese in ad

Well that's wildly inappropriate.

Baseball Mascots - Part 3

Maybe Milwaukee had the idea for racing people before DC. Instead of Presidents, they use sausages though. Here is a famous clip of a Pittsburgh Pirate, Randall Simon, hitting one of the sausages with a bat as they raced by the visiting dugout. You stay classy Pittsburgh.

Michael Phelps is Dirk Diggler???

So I was watching Michael Phelps win his 67th gold medal last night and the similarities between Phelps and Dirk Diggler are staggering. Specifically, Phelps doesn't seem that happy when he's up on the stand just as Diggler seemed to be running through the motions at the 2nd Annual Adult Film Awards. Another event, another trophy for Diggler. Another race, another gold medal for Phelps.

I wouldn't be suprised if the Baltimore police arrest him trying to sell baking powder to a drug kingpin (who has a penchant for Night Ranger and small Asian boys) so he can get his used 'Vette fixed.

Eastern Motors

Frankly, I'm embarrassed I haven't put up this classic commercial. Eastern Motors is a Washington, DC used car dealership that apparently loves giving away free cars to local athletes.

Cash4Gold

This commercial makes we wonder why I haven't turned all the spare gold I have lying around into cold hard cash. Personally, I'm a fan of the scene where they show the melting of gold. Cut out the middle man. Smart.

Phelps could rich beyond his wildest dreams.

Baseball Mascots - Part 2

For those of you that don't know, the Washington Nationals put on a promotional stunt called the "Presidents Race" where George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt sprint around the field. George, Tom and Abe split the wins, while Teddy has never won a race. Below is supposedly Teddy's only win, but since it was an unsanctioned race against the Oriole mascat, it didn't technically count.

Baseball Mascots - Part 1

For no particular reason, I'm going to post some baseball mascot clips that I deem extra, extra, ordinary. I find this video funny for two reasons. First, Mr. Redlegs looks like he should be robbing stagecoaches with that mustache. Second, where does someone obtain a giant, oversized bat like the one in the video?

Hong Kong resident needed a little TLC

Well that's embarrassing. Via TBone.

Crocodile Tears

Brett Favre was traded to the NY Jets yesterday for a conditional draft pick. Blah, blah, blah.

I'm so sick and tired of hearing about Brett Favre, so this will be the last post ever on the subject. I mean, what's the big deal? He peaked almost a decade ago and has been shockingly mediocre since. He still has a lively arm, so I guess he can still technically play, but that doesn't necessarily mean he should. You know who else had a cannon for an arm? Jeff George, that's who. And we know how well that turned out.

The guy has won as many Super Bowls as Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson, which isn't a compliment. He throws way to many interceptions and then gets praised for his "gunslinger" attitude by the media, but if it was anyone else they would be called erratic. Complete double standard. So consider this the last time I ever speak of Brett Favre.

Boats n Hoes

I haven't seen Step Brothers, but this video does a pretty good job selling the movie. Via the Louisville Smuggler.

Texas Cheerleaders Get Stuck in Elevator

Somehow, this doesn't really suprise me. One can only hope these cheerleaders looked like Minka Kelly.

Paris Hilton v. John McCain

I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Or both.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Greg Oden, Favorite Non-Wizard in the NBA

I know it's a little old, but even if Greg Oden's NBA career doesn't work out, he may have a future in entertainment.

Manchild Dominates Crossword Puzzle, Experts Baffled

I hate to brag, but I finished the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle in a little over three hours. If only that was a lucrative profession.

Weekend Wedding Part 2

Although I haven't been to many weddings in my life, James Johnson's wedding was a blast and set the bar pretty high for future events. It was very relaxed atmosphere but with a more formal attire. I welcomed this dress code since I was excited to wear my $4300 suit.

After the ceremony, the entire party proceeded to the open bar and eventually to the dinner tables for the reception. Not surprisingly, my friends and I were relegated to a distant table away from the pomp and camaraderie. The food was excellent--BBQ chicken, ribs, mixed greens, rolls and chocolate cake--and the bartender was on fire the entire night. Since Budweiser is now owned by a Belgian company, and the only reason to drink Bud was to feel patriotic, I felt Coors Original was the smart move the entire night. We were in the Rockies after all.


After tearing up the dance floor (if you count standing around with a bunch of guys dancing), the older folks took a bus back to the hotel while the younger crowd stayed at the mountain side location. Luckily I was able to change into jeans and a sweatshirt since I didn't want any little kids getting their sticky little fingers all over my $6000 suit.


After changing, the remaining guests huddled around a campfire roastin' s'mores, slingin' beers and rippin' heats. The campfire was about 15 feet from the lake with thick reeds and brush separating the wildlife from the nightlife. Since seating was limited, we stood most of the time, and more importantly, the bathroom was at least 1/16th of a mile away so guests had to brave the dense foliage to take care of business. I'm not sure who started it, but when I retired to the men's room (the thick jungle), someone pushed me causing me to barrel roll into the reeds. This juvenile behavior escalated quickly until people were just getting tackled Terry Tate style into the underbrush. Making matters worse, there were a number of tree stumps that would have certainly caused some serious damage if anyone had landed on them. Luckily everything remained in one piece, with the exception of our dignity, and we headed back to the yurt to finally fall asleep.

After making the arduous climb up heartbreak hill, which was no more than a one story climb, my friends and I stumbled upon a box of rubber gloves. We proceeded to mimic the sound of a full body cavity search by repeatedly snapping the rubber glove back on to our hand. What seemed hilarious at the time, probably was quite stupid. Of course, it escalated quickly into the one of the most horrifying/hilarious images I've ever witnessed. One of my friends proceeded to wrap the rubber glove over...er...his entire package. His name rhymes with Smandle Mells and if you see him on the streets, be sure to ask him about it, he would love to show you.

We eventually made it to the yurt which was actually quite nice. It was essentially a cabin with bunk beds and I would compare the setup to a European hostel. All in all, that John Denver was not full of shit. It was a great party, and congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. James Johnson on their marriage.

Peter King Likes the Redskins

Via Peter King's MMQB

"Friday, July 25, Washington Redskins camp

ASHBURN, Va. -- Some teams you watch and you say: This team is better than people think. The Redskins are one of those teams.

Now, I caution you -- I watched only one practice. But they're responding to Jim Zorn, whose offense is better for Jason Campbell than the encyclopedic one devised by Al Saunders. Campbell looked terrific, accurate and sure of himself. His weapons, assuming the rookie receivers can stay healthy, will be as good as any offensive skill-player set in the division.

Greg Blache, the new defensive coordinator, has a new toy to move around the line in Jason Taylor -- and Andre Carter is finally realizing his rush potential. The secondary does have some concerns. But I walk away from here thinking Washington can finish anywhere from first to fourth in this division, and I wouldn't be laughing about the "first'' part."

The man just wanted a sandwich.

Can't fault him for liking the spicy italian.

Mr. Belding

Watch this clip and then click this link. It would seem his screen persona may not match his real life personality.

Wedding Weekend Part 1

Before I fill all you loyal readers in on the juicy details of James Johnson's wedding this past weekend, travelling to and from Colorado was such a nightmare, it warrants its own story.

Leg one of the trip consisted of flying direct from La Guardia to Denver on Friday afternoon. Simple enough in theory, but far more complex for the rocket scientists working at United. Long story short, Swells and I had a four hour delay--2 hours sitting comfortably in the bar and another 2 hours waiting on the runway with the hot Queens sun beating down on us. The delay was probably worse for Doobs and Tbone who were meeting us in Denver and had to hover around the airport for upwards of six hours. We finally landed on Friday night, rented a car and drove the remaining 1.5 hours to our hotel/lovenest. We were originally slated to rent a compact car, but since Alamo was out of small cars, we got a free upgrade to a SUV. This upgrade, a GMC Acadia, would prove incredibly valuable to next day.

On Saturday we drove to the wedding which consisted of driving 30 minutes on a narrow, winding dirt road. The wedding was lovely--full of amazing views, tasty food and libations and good music--but the dirt road certainly made travel difficult.

On Sunday, after sleeping in a yurt (see previous entry for a more accurate description) and attending a little post-wedding brunch, it was time to make our way back to the Denver Airport. This was Leg 2 of the trip. Swells and I left in our trusty GMC Acadia a good 4 hours before the plane left. That's four hours to drive a little over 100 miles. It took us 1.5 hours to make the drive on Friday. Inconceivably, every resident of Colorado seemed to be on the same road we were on Sunday afternoon. We received word that our flight was delayed 20 minutes, so we thought there was a chance we could get gas, return the rental car, get our tickets, clear security and just make our flight. We finally arrived in the terminal and noted the flight leaves in 25 minutes. We sprinted to the nearest kiosk but since there was technically less than 30 minutes to the supposed departure, they wouldn't allow us to print out tickets. As we are complaining to a customer service rep, the flight gets delayed another 15 minutes meaning we are now atleast 30 minutes from takeoff. So naturally, we try to check back into the kiosk to print the tickets, but of course, the delays aren't factored into their computers and they still won't print. At the same time we are on the phone with United and they tell us there are no more flights into New York until the next morning. What made it so frustrating was that while we did arrive to the airport late, when you factor in delays, there was a point where we were there 30 minutes before the flight was scheduled to leave, but the computers didn't match up with the departure monitors.

Since Swells and I weren't making it of Denver that night, we ended up taking a cab into Denver to stay with one of his buddies in Lodo. I've never been out in Denver beyond the airport, but it was certainly was gorgeous. Gorgeous. We ended up waking up at 5:15 to catch our plane, which thankfully left on time and spit us back out into New York. Air travel is the worst.

Madden Cover Curse

The Madden cover curse is well documented. Starting in 1999 players, instead of John Madden, appeared on the cover of the popular video game. In 1999, for example, Garrison Hearst was on the cover and out of the league a few years later. In 2004, Vick was on the cover and promptly blew out his knee (not to mention the dog fighting scandal). It seemed that every year a player was on the cover, a terrible injury or bad statistical season followed.

Previously, the cover always featured current players, and it wasn't until this year when Brett Favre graced the cover did a "retired" player get the nod. It seems the cover curse extends into retirement. Favre wants to play again but the Packers have called his bluff and he has yet to land a a job anywhere.

After the Redskins win the Super Bowl this year, I don't want to see a Redskin on the cover because, as proven by Favre, the curse haunts players even into retirement.

Guy Gets Hit By Giant Soccer Ball

This looks like it hurt a bit.