Phils Game, Green Man Suit

I'm attending the Phillies/Dodgers game tonight in Philadelphia. It will be my first time to Citizens Bank Park, so I have to go the only way I know how ... wearing a green man suit while dropping acid.

World Cup 2010 Preview

What's that? It's only 2009 and only 23 of 32 teams have qualified for the World Cup? Well, I say it's never too early to mock up the World Cup Groups.

Here's the skinny:

-32 teams qualify
-8 groups of 4
-each group gets a top seed to avoid top teams playing each other in the opening round.
-no more than 2 European teams per group

Number of teams to qualify from each region:
Europe - 13
Africa - 6 (5 + host nation, South Africa)
South America - 4.5*
Asia - 5**
North America 3.5*

* The 4th place finisher from North America, Costa Rica, plays a home-and-home series against the 5th place finisher in South America (Uruguay). If Costa Rica wins, North America gets 4 spots, and S.A. gets 4. If Uruguay wins, N.A. gets 3 spots and S.A. gets 5.

** The 5th place finisher in Asia (Bahrain) plays the Oceania winner (New Zealand) in a home-and-home series. In the first leg, NZ and Bahrain tied 0-0 at Bahrain. The next match up is in Wellington, NZ with New Zealand needing a win to advance and Bahrain advancing with a win or tie (if goals are scored).

Teams to Qualify:
Europe:
Spain
Germany
England
Italy
Netherlands
Denmark
Switzerland
Serbia
Slovakia
France/Ireland
Portugal/Bosnia
Greece/Ukraine
Russia/Slovenia

Africa:
South Africa
Ghana
Ivory Coast
Cameroon/Gabon
Tunisia/Nigeria
Algeria/Egypt

Asia:
Australia
Japan
South Korea
North Korea
Bahrain/New Zealand

South America:
Brazil
Argentina
Paraguay
Chile

North America:
USA
Mexico
Honduras

Costa Rica/Uruguay -- winner of the home-and-home goes to the WC.


The four remaining spots in Europe will be determined by a home-and-home playoff. Based on the match ups, I like Portugal, Ukraine and Russia to advance. The France/Ireland match up is quite intriguing since France always seems to under perform (except, you know, when they won the World Cup in 1998 and finished 2nd in 2006) and the Irish seem frisky.

In Africa, the three remaining spots will be clinched by round robin games. Ivory Coast and Ghana have already won their respective groups. I like Cameroon, Egypt and Tunisia to emerge from their groups.

Seeding

As mentioned above, FIFA groups the best teams so the likes of Brazil, Italy, Germany and England aren't all in the same group. Granted, this system isn't perfect and usually produces a "group of death" where two strong European teams or a Argentina/Brazil + strong European team and grouped with a strong African team (Ghana, for example) or a USA/Mexicoesque team.

The host nation, South Africa, is already put in Group A and given a top seed. Other likely top seeds are Brazil, Italy, Germany, England, Spain. That leaves two more top seeds up for grabs from the likes of Netherlands, Argentina, France, Portugal, USA and Mexico. First of all, France and Portugal still have to qualify to be considered top seeds. Secondly, it will be interesting to see how Nerthelands and Argentina get placed. The Netherlands dominated their group play and were one of the first teams to qualify. Will FIFA reward their recent dominant play? Traditional powerhouse Argentina struggled to qualify needing a last second win in South America to get the 4th spot and automatic bid. Will FIFA punish Argentina for struggling to qualify?

If France and Portugal do indeed qualify, will FIFA punish them and not give them a top seed despite past World Cup success? The only possible way the US can get one of the top seeds is if France and Portugal somehow don't qualify and FIFA punishes Argentina for struggling to qualify. Seeding is based on world cup qualifying, past world cup success, world rankings etc. It just depends how much weight is given to each category.

Pots

Assuming FIFA keeps the same system in place from 2006, here's how it should shake out.

A -- For now, lets call the top seeds South Africa, Brazil, England, Spain, Italy, Germany and Argentina and the Netherlands in the last two spots. Those 8 teams get put in pot A.

B -- Pot B contains unseeded teams from South America and Africa. This should include Paraguay, Chile, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Cameroon/Gabon, Algeria/Egypt, Tunisia/Nigeria. If Argentina doesn't get a top seed, they would be grouped in here and the obvious team other nations want to avoid. However, that seems rather unlikely. A more likely scenario is if Uruguay knocks off Costa Rica, they would be placed here.

C -- Pot C contains unseeded teams from Europe. This would include Denmark, Switzerland, Serbia, Slovakia, Russia/Slovenia, Greece/Ukraine. If Bosnia upset Portugal or if Ireland knocked off France, those teams would be added to this group. Either way there should be 8 European teams here.

D -- Pot D contains unseeded teams from North America and Asia. This would include USA, Mexico, Honduras, Japan, South Korea, North Korea, Australia and Bahrain/New Zealand. If Costa Rica beats Uruguay, then they would be included in this group.


What does this mean for the U.S?

Depending on how the top seeds shake out, the U.S. has a 1/4 chance of landing in a group of death. In my opinion there are 4 remaining teams vying for 2 top seeds. The 2 other teams that don't get those top seeds will get grouped and for a "group of death."

Pot A -- Top Euro team, Argentina/Brazil, South Africa
Pot B -- African and South American teams
Pot C -- Remaing European Teams
Pot D -- USA

Sooooo, worst case scenario for the U.S. We get grouped with a France/Portugal/Netherlands squad that barely misses the Pot A Top Seed, and feisty African or South American nation, and a traditional European or South American power.

Best case scenario? We get grouped with South Africa, a lesser S.A. team, and lesser European squad. In reality as long as we avoid one of the two groups that will house two traditional powers we should be okay.

NFL Week 5 Picks

Why read Simmons when he rips off Drew Magary's love of October ... read Blogengood!

Last week the Bengals needed overtime to beat the Browns. Kicker Shane Graham connected on a last second field goal ... or did he? Take a look at this Zapruderesque image or clip. How are people not talking about this? He MISSED the FG, and the game should have ended in a tie.


The dark image just to the left of the left goalpost is the ball. It definitely sailed to wide-right. Laces out! One of the many reasons why being a Browns fan sucks.

Moving on.

Home Team in CAPS

RAMS (+9.5) over Vikings

This has the makings of a let-down game for the Vikes. They just played an emotional game on Monday night against Favre's old team, and now they have to get on a plane and travel to St. Louis. I know the Rams are awful and have scored fewer COMBINED points than the Vikings are averaging per game, but let's just say I've got a gut instinct about this one.

CHIEFS (+7.5) over Cowboys

The Cowboys aren't very good and I don't understand why they keep getting these ridiculous spreads.

Redskins (+2.5) over PANTHERS

There are two terrible teams, so might as well go with the points. If the Redskins win this game, they'll be 3-2. They have to be in the discussion for worst 3-2 team of all time if this happens, right?

EAGLES (-13.5) over Bucs

The Eagles haven't lost a regular season game coming off a bye since the late 90's. Seriously, I'm not sure they are going to cover, but they're a lock to win this one. McRib is back, so start all your Eagles.

Raiders (+15.5) over GIANTS

Elisha's foot is bothering him and might not suit up for the game. The Giants should still win even if David Carr has to play but it won't be pretty. Besides, there is something about the Meadowlands that neutralizes the home-field advantage for the Giants. They just seem to play better on the road.

Browns (+5.5) over BILLS

What an abomination of a football game. The drive chart will looking something like this:

PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
INTERCEPTION
PUNT
FUMBLE
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
INTERCEPTION
PUNT
FUMBLE
PUNT
FG
PUNT

That's right, looks like a 3-0 win for the Browns.

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS

All of the Bengal games have been close, so is there any reason to think this one won't? Oh yeah, they're playing the Ravens. Forget everything I've said.

Steelers (-9.5) over LIONS

True, the Steelers are having trouble closing out games. But you know what helps? Playing the Lions.

49ERS (-1.5) over Falcons

Good game. Lofty game. Too close to call, so I'll go with the home team.

BRONCOS (+3.5) over Pats

Please reserve one seat on the Broncos bandwagon. But if they lose this game...er...all bets are off.

CARDINALS (-3.5) over Texans

The battle to 8-8 marches on with these two perfectly mediocre teams. Lotta fantasy players involved, so lets hope for a shootout.

SEAHAWKS (-2.5) over Jaguars

I like the 'Hawks if Hasselbeck plays. I've seen what Seneca Wallace is selling, and I'm not buying.

Colts (-2.5) over TITANS

The Titans stink. I know these divisional games are usually close, but the Colts are dominant and laser, rocket arm looks like a possible MVP.





DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Jets

Mark Sanchez, welcome back to earth.

Week 5 Quick Hits
Lead Pipe Lock of the Week: Colts -2.5
Feeling Good About: Eagles to win, Colts to cover, Browns to cover
Pick 'Em: Giants
Last Week: 5-9
Season: 21-23

NFL Week 4 Picks

Raiders (+9) over TEXANS

I think I've got a good read on the Texans: amazing, unstoppable offense; horrendous defense. The Jets, Jags and Titans all reached 20+ points against this squad. So while I like the Texans to win, it should be another high scoring shootout.

Titans (-3) over JAGUARS

I can't yet write off the Titans. They've lost to the defending champs on the road, the surprisingly good Jets on the road, and a desperate Texans team at home. At 0-3 their playoff chances look grim, but 0-4 would be a death sentence. I don't have the stats to back me up, but I'm pretty sure teams that start 0-4 don't make the playoffs.

Ravens (+2) over PATRIOTS

The Ravens have destroyed two of the worst teams in the NFL (Chiefs and Browns) at home, and beaten a tough Chargers squad on the road. They've haven't done anything to make me think they can't go into Foxboro and hand the Pats a loss.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS

I wish Michael Irvin still worked for ESPN. Irvin, perhaps best known for sporting a quadruple windsor knot tie that barely made it past his neck, loved to throw the term "lock of the week." Well, Irvin would have given the Bengals his stone cold, lead pipe lock of the week. The Browns have looked horrendous on offense and defense, the players have already quit on their head coach, and they already switched quarterbacks. They've scored one offensive touchdown in nine games. Unless you think Derek Anderson can suddenly turn things around, bet the farm on the Bengals.

Giants (-8.5) over CHIEFS

This is a dangerous line for the Giants. This is their second consecutive road game, and they play at Arrowhead. Kansas City actually has one of the few remaining home field advantages in the NFL, but in the end, the Giants have too much going for them.

Lions (+10) over BEARS

The Bears lost to the Pack in week 1 and got bailed out by missed field goals in weeks 2 and 3. They could easily be 0-3. The Lions looked decent against the Skins last week...

/burns Redskins jersey

...so I think the Lions have a chance (but only if Kevin Smith plays).

REDSKINS (-7.5) over Bucs

The Skins are horrible, but the Bucs can't score. Even the most offensively inept team in the league should be able to score 10 points against the Bucs.

COLTS (-10) over Seahawks

No Hasselbeck + Seahawks on the road = Definite Colts win. I'm taking the Colts this week in pick 'em.

SAINTS (-7) over Jets

Both of these 3-0 teams are 6-0 against the spread. I say Drew Brees keeps the Big Easy bandwagon going with a gritty win over Dirty Sanchez.

Bills (-1) over DOLPHINS

This feels like a trap game from Vegas. New quarterback from Miami + 0-3 team should = Bills win. Probably the least confident of all the picks on this one.

49ERS (-9.5) over Rams

This is another high line from Vegas. I'm a little worried that the Niners won't be able to score enough points with Gore out to cover this line. However, with Kyle Boller at the helm, the Niners D should stop the Rams

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys

The Cowboys have beaten the Panthers and Bucs but hardly looked good doing it. So you're telling me they are going into the thin air of Denver and hanging a big L on the 3-0 Broncs? Good sir, I would call you a liar.

STEELERS (-6.5) over Chargers

This is a rematch from last year where Troy Palamalu scored that crazy TD at the end of the game to allow the Steelers to cover the spread...only they didn't allow the TD and the Chargers ended up covering. I say Tomlin puts on his game face and dominates the Turner-led Bolts.

Packers (+3.5) over VIKINGS

He who shall not be named returns to play his old team, blah blah blah. BRIT FAR!! BRIT FAR!!! Just a lofty gunslinger back there in the pocket!! He wears Wrangler jeans!! He's a kid having a good time!! On principle alone, I'm taking the Pack.

Week 4 Quick Picks

Suicide Pool: Colts

Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Bengals -6

Last Week: 9-7

Season: 16-14

NFL Week 3 Picks

Week 2 was a ho-hum, so-so effort. This week I guarantee more than 9/16 picks or your money back.

Titans (+2.5) over JETS

Classic trap game for the Jets. Adrian Grenier is quite poised (sportswriters word du jour) but the Titans are desperate.

TEXANS (-4) over Jaguars

An ole Texas sized shootout.

Chiefs (+8.5) over EAGLES

8.5 is too many points to give to a Kevin Kolb team. Then again, it might be too much for a Matt Cassel team to overcome.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns

For the second straight week, this will be my stone cold, lead pipe lock of the week. The Browns can't score, and the Ravens are flying on offense and defense. If you're still alive in pick 'ems and haven't used Baltimore, this is the week to use 'em.

Giants (-6.5) over BUCS

If I was a gambling man, I would look at the Giants hard this week. Sure they've had to to travel quite a bit the last 6 days, but talent wins of Byron Leftwich.

Lions (+6.5) over REDSKINS

Again, just like last week, I think the Skins will win. But they've scored one offensive touchdown in two weeks, so they shouldn't be favored by more than one TD. Let's call it Skins 19-14.

Also, do you think Campbell and Zorn at checking out the specials at Zaytinya in this picture?


RAMS (+6.5) over Packers

Even though the Rams suck, they still haven't played a home game. The Packers offensive line looked horrendous last week, and it doesn't look to get any better this week. Wouldn't be surprised to see an upset here.

VIKINGS (-7) over 49ers

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, loves the Niners this week. I haven't seen one column where the writer was picking the Vikes. Am I missing something here? Sure there first two opponents were the Browns and Lions, but they still crushed them. The Niners can't pass while the Vikes can stuff the run with Kevin and Pat Williams.

PATRIOTS (-4) over Falcons

This is the week B & B get back on track. The Falcons have played two homes games and haven't had to travel yet. Yep, gimme the Pats.

Bears (-2.5) over SEAHAWKS

This is strictly if Hasselbeck doesn't play. Even if he does, I say he's ineffective. Damn, I hate to see Cutler at 2-1.

Drew Brees (-6) over BILLS

This games calls for wind and rain, which usually means lots of field goals and punting. Except when Drew Brees and the Saints play. This years MVP.

Dolphins (+5.5) over CHARGERS

Always take the opponent over a Norv Turner led team in September. That strategy rarely fails.











BENGALS (+4) over Steelers.

Kiss the baby. The Steelers haven't lost at Cinci since 2001. I think its close, but the streak will continue.

Broncos (-1.5) over RAIDERS

JaMarcus Russell alert! Good God! He's terrible!

Colts (+2.5) over CARDINALS

I'll take the over in this one. WAAAY OVVER. The Colts D was completely gassed after the Monday night affair. Short week and they have to play the Cards high flying attack. Oh, and the Colts offense isn't too bad either.

Panthers (-8.5) over COWBOYS

I'm guessing we see more shots of Jerry Jones picking his nose during this game.



Week 3 Quick Picks
Suicide Pool: Ravens
Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Ravens -13.5
Last Week: 9-7
Year: 9-7*

*Apparently the rules committee is nullifying my 16-0 week since I didn't actually make any picks.

NFL Week 2 Picks

Lets get right into the Week 2 picks...

Raiders (+4.5) over CHIEFS

When we last saw the Raiders and Chiefs, they were playing the role of pick 'em bracket busters by hanging around against the Chargers and Ravens. The Raiders might actually be decent and the Chiefs still have Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen and Matt Cassel on their roster.

TITANS (-6.5) over Texans

That sound you just heard was people jumping off the Texans bandwagon. For the 13th year in a row, this was supposed to be the season the Texans made "the jump" to an elite team. Well, when you lose by 17 points AT HOME TO A ROOKIE QB IN HIS FIRST NFL GAME, you aren't that good. Plus Tennessee's coach has the best mustache in the bizzzness.



Patriots (-6.5) over JETS

Lets just say I think Belichick will draw up something special for Sanchez. Brady might throw for 400 yards and then blow off Suzy Kolber after the game.


PACKERS (-9.5) over Bengals

I watched my first Hard Knocks episode last night featuring the who dey Bengals. I know, I know, it's a great show and I should have seen it long ago, but Child Please. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what the Bengals do, they'll always get screwed. Exhibit A.



LIONS (+9.5) over Vikings

I was just bragging that I own Drew Brees or Adrian Peterson in every fantasy league I'm in. Peterson will probably tear both ACL's now that I've said it. I just reverse jinxed myself my knocking on my faux wood desk.


Saints (+1.5) over EAGLES

Here's a toast to the greatest fantasy QB in all the land, Drew Brees. Plus, the Eagles will either play Kevin Kolb or an injured McRib...so yeah, I'll take the best offense in the league.

FALCONS (-5.5) over Panthers

Simmons is crazy and Jake Delhomme sucks.

Rams (+10.5) over REDSKINS

Lets get one thing straight: I still think the Redskins will win. However to cover the 10.5 points, their offense would actually have to, you know, score points. That seems like a tall order, even against the worst team in the NFL. I see a lot of punting and field goals. Call it 16-9 Skins (with a Cooley TD, obviously).

JAGUARS (-3.5) over Cardinals

This game is at 1 PM ET and the Cardinals are a West Coast team. That's all I need to know.

49ERS (-1.5) over Seahawks

The Seahawks are back, but everyone knows they're a great home team, mediocre road team. Plus I'm fired up just to see Coach Singletary drop trou in the lockeroom during a halftime speech.





Bucs (+4.5) over BILLS

I picked the Patriots in my pick 'em pool last week, so I was happy to see the Bills collapse. However, I couldn't help but feel sorry for that franchise. Much like the Bengals, nothing seems to go right for their team. I say that lose haunts them the rest of the season and they'll never be confident enough to close out games. The Bucs were actually decent last week and could have scored more if not for a few errant Leftwich throws.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Browns

While the Bengals might be cursed from that play, the Broncos use it as a springboard for a little run in September. Plus, playing the Browns always help.

Ravens (+4.5) over CHARGERS

Like any Norv Turner coached team, the Chargers always start slow. They have all the talent in the world, but lack that killer instinct. This week they face the Ravens, who haven't allowed a 100 yard rusher since the mid-80's. LDT is banged up and Darren Sproles is 5'6". Gimme the Ravens in this weeks stonecold, leadpipe lock.

Steelers (-2.5) over BEARS

This is a close game. The Steelers know how to win close games. The Bears don't.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS

Very excited to see Jeff Feagles bang a couple of punts off the new scoreboard in Dallas. I say Dallas got lucky last week, while the Giants O-line completely dominated anything the Skins tried to do.

Colts (-2.5) over DOLPHINS

How 'bout the Wildcat??!?!? Yeah, seems D Coordinators have figured it out.

Week 2 Quick Picks
Suicide Pick 'Em: Redskins
Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Ravens (+4.5)
Last Week: 16-0. I have to check my figures, but yes, I believe that's correct.
Season: 16-0

The NFL Makes Their Triumphant Return

OH MY GOD!!! OH SWEET JESUS!!!

/breaths in paper bag
//has resident nurse pat his forehead with damp cloth

The NFL is back, and I couldn't be happier. After growing a long, silver beard and pontificating on global politics during the offseason, I am finally able to focus my attention to football. In the seven months since the Super Bowl, I've been living off the land in Central Park, smoking a lot of peace pipe, and sacrificing sewer rats to the Gods. I had two goals to accomplish during my spiritual trek: (1) pray for a Redskins Super Bowl; and (2) make picks.

/yells obligatory "crabcakes and football, that's what Maryland does" chant to unsuspecting officemates.

The season opens in Pittsburgh where the mighty Steelers square off against the Titans. The Steelers have won their last 6 opening games and have scored 24 points in all of them. The Titatns? Well, the Titans still have Kerry Collins at QB. The line is -6 for the Steelers, but I say that isn't high enough.

Pick:

Steelers 23
Titans 13

Woke Up On the Wrong Side of the Pillow

Since NFL Preseason is underway, I thought it would be a good time to hit the gym on the off chance the Redskins were interested in a washed up soccer player who attended Art Monk football camp when he was in 3rd grade. Since it was about 95 degrees outside with 3000% humidity, running outside wasn't an option. Therefore, treadmill it was!

Since I went to my local NYSC at 11:15 this morning, the place was empty. I quickly changed and jumped on to a treadmill to jog a few miles. About 10 minutes into my fun run, some guy saddles up and takes the treadmill RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I mean there are 40 open treadmills he could of chosen, but no, he decides to get the one next to me. He then proceeds to set the incline at a 45 degree angle (3:22 mark) and walk! In my opinion, there is nothing worse than treadmill walkers. If you are a male under 300 lbs, under 50 yrs old, you have no reason to be walking on a treadmill.

Normally, I have no problem running next to people if it's crowded. Obviously, that is unavoidable. But, if you have the pick of the litter, don't take the one next to me. It's quite similar to a man taking the urinal next to a gentleman when he has 40 other open urinals. It's just common decency.

To make matters worse, the guy smelled horrendous. I didn't think he was homeless, but you can never rule out anything when you're dealing with a thick beard. I don't know why he did it. Perhaps it was my pleasant musk, perhaps we were both wearing similar maroon t-shirts. Who knows. Furthermore, he had his own headphones that plugged into the monitor that engaged the TV. So I know he wasn't just trying to mooch off my TV.

I'm normally very considerate when I'm running, trying not to sweat profusely and cleaning up after myself. In this situation, I shook my sweaty hair out like a wet dog returning from a dip in the lake. Sweat went everywhere. Poor bastard will think twice before he takes a treadmill when he has 40 others to choose from.

/bitter

Reggie Bush...Finally Safe for Fantasy Football

Apparently Reggie Bush and his enorme derriere girlfriend (Kim Kardashian) have broken up. Reggie Bush, welcome back to fantasy relevance.

Shark Week

In honor of Shark Week, here is a movie trailer about an animal so diabolical, so calculating and so evil, I could only be talking about a sharks distant cousin, the killer whale! Be it fish or mammal, the orca is pure evil. And if you don't believe me, feast you eyes on this 1977 Bo Derek vehicle:

Real World DC

First Blonde Charity Mafia. Then Real Housewives of DC. Now, finally, Real World DC. The cauldron of sin the reality "stars" will call home sits comfortably at 20th and S. Close enough to Dupont, U St., Adams Morgan and Georgetown, the show is certain to feature lewd, crude and nude behavior. Filming starts this June. God help us all.

Where Amazing Happens

You've seen the NBA's "Where Amazing Happens" spots, but have you seen them for...

...Teen Wolf?



...or Hoosiers?

Game 7 -- Sudden Death

The Caps/Rangers game 7 finale is tonight. One can only hope it doesn't go to...sudden death.

NFL Draft

Mustache? Check.

Mullet? Check.

Laser, rocket arm? Check.

Jeff George? Nope, Matthew Stafford Sr.

The NFL Draft is tomorrow--a day where the air is crisp, the sun is bright, and the grass is green. A day where hope is renewed for every NFL team. Unfortunately, I'm going to the Jersey house that has no cable so I'll be refreshing ESPN's home page like crazy. When the Skins trade every pick next year for Mark Sanchez, please call/text me with your condolences.

Thank you.

Delhomme Signs Extension

What does five interceptions and one fumble get you in a meaningful playoff game? If you're Jake Delhomme, it nets you $42.5 million, $20 million guaranteed. Since Delhomme and the Panthers cost me millions ($20, actually) in my NFL playoff pick 'em pool, this doesn't please me one bit.

But Who Will Sex Mutombo?

Dikembe calls it quits.

Lindsay Soto

Gratuitous cleavage shot. Rob Niedermayer, you sly fox.

Wolverine

Wolverine premiers in a few weeks, and the trailer makes it seem like a pretty standard popcorn movie. However, I wonder if movie execs are concerned about Hugh Jackman's image after the Oscar's. His performance on stage was hardly what you would expect from an intimidating half-man, half-wolf character. Because when I think of Wolverine, I certainly think of song and dance routine.

Washington Natinals

That's some first class stitching.

Take That, Hipsters

Pretty amusing stuff.

NFL Draft Picks

Here are my predictions for the Top-10 draft picks as well as for the Skins.

Instead of predicting what players will go to what teams, I'll just list them in the order I think they'll be drafted.

1. Matthew Stafford -- The ghost of Joey "Joe Joe" Harrington might scare Detroit with this pick, but when you go 0-16, and Daunte Culpepper is your QB, you probably need a little upgrade at the position.

2. Jason Smith -- Either Smith or Monroe go in this spot. Rumor has it the Rams like Smith a bit more.

3. Aaron Curry -- Easiest call in the first round. The Chiefs need defensive playmakers, and Curry fits the bill.

4. Eugene Monroe -- Tough call between Sanchez and Monroe. In the end, a stud offensive tackle wins out over a junior QB.

5. Michael Crabtree -- The Browns organization is in total disarray, so I fully expect Crabtree--the draft's top playmaker--to be the pick here.

6. B.J. Raji -- Best defensive tackle on the board. Bengals really need defensive help.

7. Brian Orakpo -- The Raiders are slotted to pick in this spot, so all rational thought goes out the window. A speedy WR is the trendy pick here, but I say if Crabtree is off the board, the Raiders grab Orakpo.

8. Mark Sanchez -- The Jaguars trade out of this slot if they can find a partner (Jets, Bucs, Vikings). Even if they can't trade down, I'll say Sanchez is off the board by #8.

9. Aaron Maybin -- This guy is too good for the Pack to pass up.

10. Andre Smith -- A superior talent with a less than superior body (NSFW).

13. Redskins, I will flip out if I don't hear a defensive or offensive lineman's name called by Roger Goodell. If Mark Sanchez is still available, and you pick him, I'll need a restraining order for Chainsaw.

Possible picks:

1. Michael Oher - OT
2. Andre Smith - OT
3. Robert Ayers - DE
4. Tyson Jackson - DE

Any of these stud SEC lineman would look great in Burgundy and Gold. I'll say Sanchez, Smith and possibly Oher will be off the board when the Redskins pick.

Hoping they fall: Smith and Oher
Expecting they'll be there: Ayers and Jackson
Praying they don't pick: Sanchez

Pick: Robert Ayers.

Meinspace

Following up the previous Bruno post, I would check out this site.

Chris Cooley Reality Show

Cooley has a new reality show.

F. Murray Abraham Named Wiz Coach

Congrats to F. Murray Abraham on becoming the next Wiz coach.

Green Jacket, Gold Jacket

The Masters begins today, and you know what that means. Here is your obligatory Happy Gilmore clip.

Steven Seagal Trailers

Need to waste 10 minutes? Sink your teeth into these amazing Steven Seagal trailers.

Featuring Steven Seagal in...

Above the Law. Seagal stars as as Nico Tuscani, a rogue Chicago cop who discovers a web of police corruption.

Hard to Kill. Seagal stars as Mason Storm, a cop out for revenge.

Marked for Death. Seagal stars as John Hatcher, a good cop...in a bad mood. This time, he's bringing out the big guns.

Out For Justice. Seagal stars as Gino Felino, a Brooklyn cop on the hunt for an old childhood rival who killed his best friend. In that neighborhood, someone needs to take out the garbage.

Under Siege. Seagal stars as Casey Ryback, a cook on a hijacked Navy ship who prevents Nuclear armageddon.

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Seagal returns as Casey Ryback, this time on a train instead of a boat. Ryback attempts to foil a mad scientist out to hijack a satellite weapon.

Under Siege was probably the greatest Seagal flick, and certainly his most successful. Co-starring Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey and Eddie Bo Smith, Jr. (Copeland from The Fugitive), why wouldn't it be?

Lions Take Matthew Stafford

Not sure if this is legit or not. Either way, the Rams are on the clock.

Joba Chamberlain "Blasts" New York

I saw the headline, watched the video and wished I had those two minutes back in my life. Joba was stopped for a DUI, and proceeded to have a conversation with the officer about New York. Basically, he just says New Yorkers are rude and won't hold the door for him or say "Thank You." I would hardly call that "blasting" New York, but people will do anything to sell newspapers I suppose.

The Soldier Signs Record Deal

Because if the KC Chiefs proved anything, you can't win without a marquee TE. Disappointed Cooley didn't get the distinction of being highest paid TE in history.

Baseball Predictions

Baseball season is upon us and you know what that means...only five more months until football season! And here are my baseball predictions for the upcoming season.

AL East
Winner: Boston Red Sawx
Wild Card: Tampa Bay Rays

AL Central
Winner: Minnesota Twins

AL West
Winner: Anaheim of California of Los Angeles Angels.

NL East
Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
Wild Card: NY Mets

NL Cental
Winner: Chicago Cubs

NL West
Winner: Arizona D-Backs.

World Series: Mets over Rays

AL MVP - Grady Sizemore
AL Cy Young - Roy Halladay
AL ROY - Matt Wieters

NL MVP - Albert Pujols
NL CY Young - Johan Santana
NL ROY - Cameron Maybin

A few other predictions:

1. The Washington Nationals shatter the record for fewest number of wins in a season, a mark previously set by the 1899 Cleveland Spiders (20-134).

2. CC Sabathia channels his inner Babe Ruth and eats hot dogs during Yankees games, much to the delight of the crowd.

3. Yankees fans riot when they are forced to pay $20 for a beer/hot dog combo.

4. The Orioles are in year-12 of "rebuilding" mode.

Bruno Preview

Bruno preview. Looks about right.

The Count of Monte Foxboro & Chainsaw Dan

When the Kansas City Chiefs' Bernard Pollard obliterated Tom Brady's knee in the first game of the season, it set off a series of events so improbable and so outrageous, the only explanation is the staggering genius of Bill Belichick. It's entirely possible we're dealing with one of the most brilliant, diabolical minds of our generation.

(cue Zapruder film)

1. Pollard tackles Brady, tearing Brady's ACL and ruining his season. All is lost for the Patriots hopeful.

2. Untested backup Matt Cassel leads the Patriots to a very respectable 11-5 record, becoming one of the few teams in NFL history not to make the playoffs with 11 wins.

3. Josh McDaniel, the young offensive coordinator, gets credit for guiding Cassel and the Patriots through difficult times. McDaniel is hired by the Denver Broncos, after Coach Mike Shanahan is abruptly dismissed.

4. Brady's rehab is going well, prompting the Patriots to deal Matt Cassel.

5. McDaniel, already possessing a young, Pro Bowl QB in Jay Cutler makes it known he is interested in replacing Cutler with Cassel.

6. Cassel is traded to the Chiefs, not the Broncos. Cassel immediately buys Bernard Pollard a 216-oz Porterhouse and volunteers to do his laundry for a year.

7. Cutler hems and haws about getting traded. Finally, the Chicago Bears offer Kyle Neckbeard Orton, two #1 picks, and one third rounder pick for Cutler.

8. In the bidding process, Chainsaw Dan predictably gets in on the action, offering every Redskins player on the roster for Jay Cutler as well as every Skins draft pick for the next seven years. Speaking of Redskins draft picks, here is a list of their first round picks. Danny Boy, are you listening? We've tried your way and seen the results. Why don't we hold on to the picks.

9. In the end, the Pats get Brady, the Bears get Cutler, the Chiefs get Cassel, the Broncos get Orton, and the Redskins get...Campbell.

Is it just remotely possible Belichick orchestrated this entire event? Brady, the grassy knoll, the extra draftpicks, Pollard, Cayman Islands bank accounts, Cutler, the second shooter.

It's impossible? Or is it so possible your head is spinning like a top?

I'm thoroughly convinced Belichick could beat Big Blue in a chess match. He sees every angle, every possibility, 25 steps ahead. As for Chainsaw Dan, he might be able to take down a blind chimpanzee in a vigorous game of checkers.

I Can't Believe Bruce Dickinson Digs Our Sound!

Today, I tried to get tickets to the Daily Show and the Colbert Show. Not surprisingly, both shows were sold out until some time during the next millennium. I then tried to get Conan tickets before I realized he relocated to LA. That left me with Saturday Night Live. I didn't even try to get SNL tickets, since I heard those tickets are impossible to get unless you are a living relative of a cast member or directly related to Loren Michaels.

Reluctantly, I turned to Jimmy Fallon. Let's just say I was able to procure tickets to a show in early May. I don't think the demand is quite there yet for Fallon. My main problem with Fallon is that he is a chronic over-laugher. All of his SNL skits seemed funny because he would break character and start cracking up, thus leading other cast members to laugh, and finally causing the audience to laugh since it's funny to see cast members laughing at their own jokes. This is all well and good in sketch comedy, but hosting a comedy show? Then again, I haven't actually seen a single episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, so I really have zero expectations going into the night. One can only hope there's an appearance by Bruce Dickinson -- yes, the Bruce Dickinson.

Savior?

6'3", 230 lb Burgundy and Gold Jesus? I wouldn't put anything past Chainsaw Dan. I'm fully expecting to read the Skins offered every #1 pick through 2020 for Cutler's services.

Lime Green is the New Black

I'm going to venture a guess and say football fans in the Pacific Northwest won't be happy to see their favorite team trot out of the Qwest field tunnel in these uniforms. Also, I'm going out on a limb and saying Uni Watch will rip the lime green color scheme to shreds. Lime green is not a slimming color on Walter Jones.

How to get kicked off the Scottish national team

If they kicked you off the Scottish national team for drinking, then I have full a confidence these young men drank enough to kill a small animal.

April Fools' Day

Call me a grinch, but I've never been a fan of April Fools' Day. The "jokes" are never that clever, the "pranks" never that amusing. I've appreciated Google's efforts over the years--In '07 you could get Gmail Paper; in '08 you could establish permanent contact on Mars. I went to Google this morning fully expecting something, and sure enough, they delivered.

The problem with April Fools' Day is that everyone is looking for the joke and is skeptical of the possible stories. Everyone is on their heels waiting for the other shoe to drop. That said, the Guardian got me. It got me good. The Economist also had a sense of humor, you know...if you enjoy economic jokes. I imagine the Economist as a pompous, stuffy British guy (who mildly resembles the Monopoly Man) who isn't funny at all just over laughing at his one joke while the rest of the other magazines shake their collective heads in disgust.

That's not to say I hate all April Fools' Day pranks. The greatest of all time (not to sound like a Bill Walton exaggeration) is probably YouTube's inspired "Rick Rolling" campaign. Last year, every time you tried to access a video you were automatically sent to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Pure golllldddddddd.

Netflix Battle

There was an article in the New York Times yesterday discussing couples who battle over their Netflix queue. That one really hit home with me. Imagine my horror when I expect to see this movie arrive in the mail, but instead it's a 1940's Portuguese documentary about some blind woman who learned to play the piano during WWII. That sneaky minx hacked into my queue and now the movie will go unwatched for the next three weeks.

Najeh Davenport, Male Model

Apparently Najeh Davenport is hanging up his football uniform for male modeling. That's all well and good but what does this have to do with dorm room laundry baskets.

Ovechkin on Eastern Motors.

Albert Haynesworth Signs with Redskins

I guess I'm happy about Albert Haynesworth signing with the Skins for $100 million. I'm guessing he is good, not great and plays four or five years before retitiring. Also, being able to stomp on Andre Gurode's head twice a season is a nice bonus.

Joe The Plumber, Samuel the Author

Joe the Plumber's book isn't doing well. It should be noted his name isn't Joe (it's Samuel) and he isn't a Plumber. Also, the bookstore at 18th and L in DC isn't exactly bustling with blue collar workers who might appreciate his story.

Murray Hill

Funny because it's true. If you live in Murray Hill, I'm sorry.

Facebook Strikes Again.

Well that's embarrassing.

Every Man, Woman and Child For Himself

My office had our office fire drill today. Let's just say it went something like this.

Mustard, Candlestick, Library.

Apparently, Clue is being made into a movie. I loved the '85 version as well as the standard board game. Hopefully this brings more Col. Mustardesque facial hair and Prof. Plum pipes into mainstream America.

Walker Told Me I Have AIDS

Boom Goes the Dynamite

This was easily the best part of the Oscars. Ladies and gentleman, I present Will Smith...and boom goes the dynamite.

Any Advantage to the Recent Weight Gain?

Are ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, uni-sheets, muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes the only articles of clothing you can wear? Perhaps this is why.

The George Steinbrenner Calzones.

George Steinbrenner high school is looking for a mascot. Any ideas? One deadspin comment recommend the Calzones, which I fully sport. They're warm, delicious and his one true love.

Ram Robinson

This is just shocking news, SHOCKING I tell you. A 'roided up steroid pusher in the Wrestler has been arrested for...pushing steroids.

Mad Men -- Oysters Was A Bad Choice

If you haven't seen Mad Men, go buy the first two seasons. Take two sick days and enjoy. This scene is one of my favorites.

Context: Roger Sterling recently made an ass of himself at Draper's house by hitting on Don's wife and generally being a drunken fool. Draper gets his revenge by paying off the elevator attendant to fake a technical problem so he and Sterling have to take the stairs. Sterling is in horrible shape--consistently drinking and smoking--so when the two men return from an oyster and Martini-soaked lunch for an important meeting with a client, the twenty-odd floors are torture for Sterling. To make matters worse, Bert Cooper (Sterling's partner, and head of the agency) is waiting for Roger when they return:

You Not Say Ukraine Weak

Risk is one of the all-time classic board games. The game of world domination involves strategy, ruthlessness, and a lot of luck rolling dice. I played a few weeks ago, and can attest to Ukraine's weakness.

Little Zizou

This is pretty much how I looked on the field when I was six. Supposedly, the Algerian sensation is the next Zidane. Let's just hope this child star doesn't end up like Macaulay Culkin or Danny Almonte.

Ski Poles

2009 Oscar Predictions

Even though I've only seen two of the best picture nominated films (Slumdog and Ben Button), it won't stop me from making a few Oscar predictions. Since last years show had low ratings, I have a feeling they gave marquee stars with marginal performances some nominations to boost ratings. However, just because they were nominated doesn't necessarily mean those hacks will win.




Best Picture:

Slumdog Millonaire
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Milk
Frost/Nixon
The Reader

Pick: Slumdog Millionaire. Danny Boyle's tale set in Mumbai should win, but then again, Brokeback Mountain should have beaten Crash a few years ago. I could see Ben Button sneaking in, but it would truly be an upset. Milk is a longshot, but the Academy might give the film the statue since Brokeback was slighted three years ago.

Best Actor:

Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler
Sean Penn - Milk
Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon
Brad Pitt - Ben Button
Richard Jenkins - The Visitor

Pick: Mickey Rourke. Penn and Langella are the only other options in this category. Penn is just as likely as Rourke, but since Penn won a few years ago, I think they give it to Rourke. People want Rourke to win so he has the chance to do something crazy during his acceptance speech. If he does something crazy, the rating will be higher, so it's in the Academy's best interest to give Rourke the statue.

Best Actress:

Kate Winslet - The Reader
Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married
Meryl Streep - Doubt
Angelina Jolie - Changeling
Melissa Leo - Frozen River

Pick: Kate Winslet. Winslet, Hathaway and Streep are in a three-way race. Streep seems to get nominated every year, so I don't think people give it to her. That leaves Winslet and Hathaway. Winslet seems like she has made a decent number of films that her body of work should get her the Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor:

Heath Ledger - Dark Knight
Four Other Random Dudes That Have No Chance

Pick: Heath Ledger. As good as money in the bank. Stone Cold, lead pipe lock.

Best Supporting Actress:

Penelope Cruz - Vicky Christina Barcelona
Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler
Amy Adams -Doubt
Taraji Henson - Ben Button
Viola Davis - Doubt

Pick: Penelope Cruz. It's a two-way race between Cruz and Tomei. Tomei won 15 years ago for her memorable turn in My Cousin Vinny, in one of the Oscars all-time biggest upsets. That means even if she is more deserving than Cruz, she won't win this time. I'll take Cruz, but this category is wide open.

Best Director:

Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire
David Fincher - Ben Button
Gus Van Sant - Milk
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon
Stephen Daldry - The Reader

Pick: Danny Boyle. I feel very confident about this pick. He's won every other award out there. Also, if Slumdog is upset in the best picture category, they still give the favored director the statue. Perfect example is when Shakespeare in Love upset Saving Private Ryan, but Steven Spielbergo still took home the statue for Best Director.

Ovechkin's Unreal Goal

Alex Ovechkin's goal last night against the Habs was, without a doubt, the goal of the year. Note the backhanded pass to himself off the boards at center ice to start the play.

2009 MVP...Shane Battier?

According to Michael Lewis, Shane Battier is the the most valuable player in the league. Supposedly the Houston Rockets are using a complex formula to evaluate talent, and that "Moneyball" type formula says Shane Battier tops the list.

New Zealand...Rocks!!!

The people pictured here were paid in cash or offered free tickets to New Zealand if they displayed some temporary tattoos of NZ on their heads. Personally, I would have gone with New Zealand....Rocks!!! Although it might need another exclamation point.

We are the Niners

This 80's team rap from the San Francisco 49ers is just one notch below the Super Bowl Shuffle.

NBA on NBC Theme Song, Performed by John Tesh

The greatest sports theme song of all time combined with some air piano and powerful keyboards. Tell me where to sign.

Don't Tase Me, Bro.

This is what happens when you mix drinking, driving (lawnmowers), and tasers in the backwoods of Louisiana. Don't tase me bro.

He Shoots. He Scores.

The Florida Panthers announcer and I share the same movie collection.

Johnny Cash Has Looked Better

Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman.

$800 seat, obstructed view included.

This is what $800 seats look like in the new Yankee Stadium. Quite the view.

Gary Williams and Maryland BBall.

Here is...ah...a pretty unflattering portrayal of Maryland basketball and Gary Williams.

Lets Go 'Nats!

The Nationals finally signed a marquee player. Let us welcome Adam "Big Donkey" Dunn to the friendly confines of Nationals Park.



Pencil Dunn in for 40 HR's, 100 RBI's, and...200 K's.

So what was a 60-102 team is now a 65-97 team. Let's go 'Nats!

Teddy Bear Holding a Heart

Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day to that special someone like a Teddy Bear Holding a Heart.

Heath Shuler

Whether or not you like his politics, you have to admit former Redskins QB Heath Shuler was a terrible quarterback. Apparently his fellow Congressmen feel the same way.

Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out!

Brett "Crocodile Tears" Favre is retiring. Again.

Best In Show

A ten-year old Sussex spaniel won best in show at the Westminster Dog Show yesterday, becoming the oldest dog to win the award. Last years winner, Uno, was nowhere to be found. Uno didn't have the heart of a champion since he spent all his time on the banquet circuit sipping champagne and bacon grease from his doggy bowl. Uno really let the fame go to his head.