The Net -- Trailer

Sandra Bullock stars in the high-tech thriller. Her identity is stolen after she stumbles upon a conspiracy that reaches all the way to the White House!

How To Win Your Fantasy Football League

I won two fantasy football leagues this year and around these here parts, that makes me somewhat of an expert. So, if you don't mind, let me tell you not necessarily how I won, but how you can win your league. In no way is this similar to the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, but it's very, very close.

Step 1: Know Your League Rules.
You would be amazed how many people overlook this point. Do you get 4 or 6 points for passing touchdowns? It it a PPR League? Do you get points for punt/kickoff touchdowns? These are the major stats that differentiate each league, but there are many, many more but aren't as common.

Step 2: Evaluate Talent.
You don't have to be a director of scouting to have a good handle on the talented players. Just keep up to date with depth charts, injuries, and overall production. Unless a player has really bottomed out from the previous season, chances are he's still good.

Step 3: Draft Day Help
If you participating in a live draft, bring one piece of paper with every position for every team so you can easily see what players have been drafted. For example if you picking in the #9 spot in a 10-team league, and you know the person drafting at the #10 spot in a snake league already has a TE, then you can probably wait to draft a TE on the wraparound; no need to burn a pick so early.

These general pointers are all well and good, but unless you have an idea of how drafts shake out, it won't do much good. First, let's debunk a couple of myths.

Myth # 1 The age old mantra was to draft two running backs in the first two rounds, then cherry pick WR's and QB's later on. Unless you are playing in some crazy RB-weighted league, then you absolutely do not use this strategy. Sure, you could get lucky with Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson, but chances are, you'll get stuck with Brandon Jacobs and Matt Forte. First, RB success is so hit-or-miss. Second, many teams use the platoon system which spreads the ball around. Next year, unless I get a top-3 pick and grab Chris Johnson, MJD or AP, I'm not taking a RB in the first round. It's much, much wiser to grab WR's and QB's early and wait on RB's. Additionally, look to target RB's with no platoon system. For example, Ced Benson was the only game in town in Cincinnati this season. Was he good? Eh, I'd say mediocre at best. However, when you give 35 carries to anyone, they'll do some damage. Much easier to get 100 yards and a score from 35 carries instead of 15. The flipside to that is DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. If they had the backfield to themselves to might be a top-4 pick next year. But they steal carries from each other and if you own one, you're praying for an injury from the other. So, the lesson is wait on RB's.

Myth # 2
Most experts say to wait on TE's and QB's. There is some truth this statement, but it's not always the case. For example, leagues that employ 2 QB's or where passing TD's are worth 6 points, you pretty much have to take a QB in the first 3 rounds. Again, you could get lucky with mid-round picks like Matt Schaub or Donovan McNabb, but I would imagine players like Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers were the QB's of most championship teams. Really, this is a personal preference. I like having a stable QB and not worrying about their production. If you invest a high pick in someone like Brady, Brees, Manning, Rodgers or Rivers you are pretty much guaranteed decent production. Also, the NFL is a passing league so QB's routinely throw for 300+ yards. You would think that means wait on the QB, but those 300+ yard days from lower tier quarterbacks are much harder to predict than the top picks.

Similarly, people usually say to wait on TE's. Usually there are 4-5 top tier TE's and then group of about 10 players that are equally serviceable available in the late rounds. I would say unless you don't get a top-TE (Clark, Gates, Gonzo) to wait until after round 10 to draft one. Usually the top TE's are the best, but every season produces someone like Brent Celek (unheralded TE from Philly). The strategy to wait on TE's is good only if you actually get lucky with a player like Celek. If you invest a higher pick, you are pretty much guaranteed decent production. Furthermore, the argument against drafting a TE early has been that in the 5th or 6th round, you could grab someone more serviceable that could help your team. At this point all good WR's are gone so you are basically playing roulette with RB's. Sure you could get a Ray Rice in the 5th, but you're probably drafting a backup RB. I prefer the guaranteed production over the timeshare RB. The one caveat to this rule is you never want to start the run on TE's. Inevitably in the 5th or 6th round of most drafts some guy will grab Gates or Gonzo but it will never be me to start that TE-run. If I can grab a Ray Rice-like lottery ticket while waiting to start drafting a TE, then I will always do that. The lesson is: don't wait on QB's or TE's

In my opinion, those are two big myths to avoid. When you factor all of this in, your team should look like this:

Round 1-3: 1 top RB. This means getting either MJD, Chris Johnson or AP in Round 1, or an equally serviceable replacement that doesn't split carries in rounds 2-3.

Round 1-3: 1 top QB. I like having the comfort of a quality QB that I can count on for 10-20 points/week, no questions asked. If you want Brees, Manning, Brady or Rodgers it will cost you a round 1-2 pick; if you want Rivers, McNabb, Schaub or Warner you will need to use a round-3+ pick.

Round 1-5: 3 top WR's. Definitely grab one in the first two rounds, and try to get at least 2 more by the end of the 5th. WR's are more consistent from season to season, less prone to injuries and since it's a passing league, scoring more than past seasons. Also, there is usually a big dropoff from top flight WR's to lower-tier talent. Additionally, don't chase touchdowns. Guys that posted 10 TD's but low yardage are unpredictable and can't be counted on. As a general rule, players with high receiving yards are the most desirable.

Round 5-7: 1 top TE. Grab a top flight-TE here in the middle rounds. But don't start the TE run. If you miss out, wait until after round 10.

Round 6-10: Grab as many RB's as you can. Take some gambles on highly touted rookie RB's or veterans that have the job for themselves. Basically, you take a flier on 4-5 RB's, 1-2 should pan out. Couple that with the guaranteed production from your consistent WR's and QB and TE, you should be sitting pretty.

Tip # 1: Wait until the last two round to draft a Defense and Kicker. Seriously, there is very little rhyme or reason to their scoring, so don't even bother. I'm serious, you'll like an asshole if you grab a kicker in the 10th round.

Tip # 2: Don't carry a backup TE except for a bye-week fill-in.

Tip # 3: I don't like to carry a backup QB if you get one of the big guns. It's a wasted roster spot if you are just leaving Brady, Brees etc in your lineup every week. However, if you have a QB outside the top-8, I'd invest a roster spot in a backup.

Tip # 4: Don't draft a running back in the first 5 rounds that's over the age of 29. Sure, you get Thomas Jones like seasons every once in a while, but there is a lot of evidence that says running backs (especially ones with a ton of carries) aren't the same runner once they hit their late 20's.

Tip #5: Every season players get rewarded for their production with a big contract. I try to avoid players that aren't playing for a new contract because they are fat, happy and content. This rule is especially true if the player was a headcase before the contract. There are always exceptions, but I try to avoid drafting players that had one, phenomenal "contract year."

There will always be a certain amount of luck involved in your success, but if you follow these easy steps, you too can manage a fantasy football champion.

Phils Game, Green Man Suit

I'm attending the Phillies/Dodgers game tonight in Philadelphia. It will be my first time to Citizens Bank Park, so I have to go the only way I know how ... wearing a green man suit while dropping acid.

World Cup 2010 Preview

What's that? It's only 2009 and only 23 of 32 teams have qualified for the World Cup? Well, I say it's never too early to mock up the World Cup Groups.

Here's the skinny:

-32 teams qualify
-8 groups of 4
-each group gets a top seed to avoid top teams playing each other in the opening round.
-no more than 2 European teams per group

Number of teams to qualify from each region:
Europe - 13
Africa - 6 (5 + host nation, South Africa)
South America - 4.5*
Asia - 5**
North America 3.5*

* The 4th place finisher from North America, Costa Rica, plays a home-and-home series against the 5th place finisher in South America (Uruguay). If Costa Rica wins, North America gets 4 spots, and S.A. gets 4. If Uruguay wins, N.A. gets 3 spots and S.A. gets 5.

** The 5th place finisher in Asia (Bahrain) plays the Oceania winner (New Zealand) in a home-and-home series. In the first leg, NZ and Bahrain tied 0-0 at Bahrain. The next match up is in Wellington, NZ with New Zealand needing a win to advance and Bahrain advancing with a win or tie (if goals are scored).

Teams to Qualify:
Europe:
Spain
Germany
England
Italy
Netherlands
Denmark
Switzerland
Serbia
Slovakia
France/Ireland
Portugal/Bosnia
Greece/Ukraine
Russia/Slovenia

Africa:
South Africa
Ghana
Ivory Coast
Cameroon/Gabon
Tunisia/Nigeria
Algeria/Egypt

Asia:
Australia
Japan
South Korea
North Korea
Bahrain/New Zealand

South America:
Brazil
Argentina
Paraguay
Chile

North America:
USA
Mexico
Honduras

Costa Rica/Uruguay -- winner of the home-and-home goes to the WC.


The four remaining spots in Europe will be determined by a home-and-home playoff. Based on the match ups, I like Portugal, Ukraine and Russia to advance. The France/Ireland match up is quite intriguing since France always seems to under perform (except, you know, when they won the World Cup in 1998 and finished 2nd in 2006) and the Irish seem frisky.

In Africa, the three remaining spots will be clinched by round robin games. Ivory Coast and Ghana have already won their respective groups. I like Cameroon, Egypt and Tunisia to emerge from their groups.

Seeding

As mentioned above, FIFA groups the best teams so the likes of Brazil, Italy, Germany and England aren't all in the same group. Granted, this system isn't perfect and usually produces a "group of death" where two strong European teams or a Argentina/Brazil + strong European team and grouped with a strong African team (Ghana, for example) or a USA/Mexicoesque team.

The host nation, South Africa, is already put in Group A and given a top seed. Other likely top seeds are Brazil, Italy, Germany, England, Spain. That leaves two more top seeds up for grabs from the likes of Netherlands, Argentina, France, Portugal, USA and Mexico. First of all, France and Portugal still have to qualify to be considered top seeds. Secondly, it will be interesting to see how Nerthelands and Argentina get placed. The Netherlands dominated their group play and were one of the first teams to qualify. Will FIFA reward their recent dominant play? Traditional powerhouse Argentina struggled to qualify needing a last second win in South America to get the 4th spot and automatic bid. Will FIFA punish Argentina for struggling to qualify?

If France and Portugal do indeed qualify, will FIFA punish them and not give them a top seed despite past World Cup success? The only possible way the US can get one of the top seeds is if France and Portugal somehow don't qualify and FIFA punishes Argentina for struggling to qualify. Seeding is based on world cup qualifying, past world cup success, world rankings etc. It just depends how much weight is given to each category.

Pots

Assuming FIFA keeps the same system in place from 2006, here's how it should shake out.

A -- For now, lets call the top seeds South Africa, Brazil, England, Spain, Italy, Germany and Argentina and the Netherlands in the last two spots. Those 8 teams get put in pot A.

B -- Pot B contains unseeded teams from South America and Africa. This should include Paraguay, Chile, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Cameroon/Gabon, Algeria/Egypt, Tunisia/Nigeria. If Argentina doesn't get a top seed, they would be grouped in here and the obvious team other nations want to avoid. However, that seems rather unlikely. A more likely scenario is if Uruguay knocks off Costa Rica, they would be placed here.

C -- Pot C contains unseeded teams from Europe. This would include Denmark, Switzerland, Serbia, Slovakia, Russia/Slovenia, Greece/Ukraine. If Bosnia upset Portugal or if Ireland knocked off France, those teams would be added to this group. Either way there should be 8 European teams here.

D -- Pot D contains unseeded teams from North America and Asia. This would include USA, Mexico, Honduras, Japan, South Korea, North Korea, Australia and Bahrain/New Zealand. If Costa Rica beats Uruguay, then they would be included in this group.


What does this mean for the U.S?

Depending on how the top seeds shake out, the U.S. has a 1/4 chance of landing in a group of death. In my opinion there are 4 remaining teams vying for 2 top seeds. The 2 other teams that don't get those top seeds will get grouped and for a "group of death."

Pot A -- Top Euro team, Argentina/Brazil, South Africa
Pot B -- African and South American teams
Pot C -- Remaing European Teams
Pot D -- USA

Sooooo, worst case scenario for the U.S. We get grouped with a France/Portugal/Netherlands squad that barely misses the Pot A Top Seed, and feisty African or South American nation, and a traditional European or South American power.

Best case scenario? We get grouped with South Africa, a lesser S.A. team, and lesser European squad. In reality as long as we avoid one of the two groups that will house two traditional powers we should be okay.

NFL Week 5 Picks

Why read Simmons when he rips off Drew Magary's love of October ... read Blogengood!

Last week the Bengals needed overtime to beat the Browns. Kicker Shane Graham connected on a last second field goal ... or did he? Take a look at this Zapruderesque image or clip. How are people not talking about this? He MISSED the FG, and the game should have ended in a tie.


The dark image just to the left of the left goalpost is the ball. It definitely sailed to wide-right. Laces out! One of the many reasons why being a Browns fan sucks.

Moving on.

Home Team in CAPS

RAMS (+9.5) over Vikings

This has the makings of a let-down game for the Vikes. They just played an emotional game on Monday night against Favre's old team, and now they have to get on a plane and travel to St. Louis. I know the Rams are awful and have scored fewer COMBINED points than the Vikings are averaging per game, but let's just say I've got a gut instinct about this one.

CHIEFS (+7.5) over Cowboys

The Cowboys aren't very good and I don't understand why they keep getting these ridiculous spreads.

Redskins (+2.5) over PANTHERS

There are two terrible teams, so might as well go with the points. If the Redskins win this game, they'll be 3-2. They have to be in the discussion for worst 3-2 team of all time if this happens, right?

EAGLES (-13.5) over Bucs

The Eagles haven't lost a regular season game coming off a bye since the late 90's. Seriously, I'm not sure they are going to cover, but they're a lock to win this one. McRib is back, so start all your Eagles.

Raiders (+15.5) over GIANTS

Elisha's foot is bothering him and might not suit up for the game. The Giants should still win even if David Carr has to play but it won't be pretty. Besides, there is something about the Meadowlands that neutralizes the home-field advantage for the Giants. They just seem to play better on the road.

Browns (+5.5) over BILLS

What an abomination of a football game. The drive chart will looking something like this:

PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
INTERCEPTION
PUNT
FUMBLE
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
INTERCEPTION
PUNT
FUMBLE
PUNT
FG
PUNT

That's right, looks like a 3-0 win for the Browns.

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS

All of the Bengal games have been close, so is there any reason to think this one won't? Oh yeah, they're playing the Ravens. Forget everything I've said.

Steelers (-9.5) over LIONS

True, the Steelers are having trouble closing out games. But you know what helps? Playing the Lions.

49ERS (-1.5) over Falcons

Good game. Lofty game. Too close to call, so I'll go with the home team.

BRONCOS (+3.5) over Pats

Please reserve one seat on the Broncos bandwagon. But if they lose this game...er...all bets are off.

CARDINALS (-3.5) over Texans

The battle to 8-8 marches on with these two perfectly mediocre teams. Lotta fantasy players involved, so lets hope for a shootout.

SEAHAWKS (-2.5) over Jaguars

I like the 'Hawks if Hasselbeck plays. I've seen what Seneca Wallace is selling, and I'm not buying.

Colts (-2.5) over TITANS

The Titans stink. I know these divisional games are usually close, but the Colts are dominant and laser, rocket arm looks like a possible MVP.





DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Jets

Mark Sanchez, welcome back to earth.

Week 5 Quick Hits
Lead Pipe Lock of the Week: Colts -2.5
Feeling Good About: Eagles to win, Colts to cover, Browns to cover
Pick 'Em: Giants
Last Week: 5-9
Season: 21-23

NFL Week 4 Picks

Raiders (+9) over TEXANS

I think I've got a good read on the Texans: amazing, unstoppable offense; horrendous defense. The Jets, Jags and Titans all reached 20+ points against this squad. So while I like the Texans to win, it should be another high scoring shootout.

Titans (-3) over JAGUARS

I can't yet write off the Titans. They've lost to the defending champs on the road, the surprisingly good Jets on the road, and a desperate Texans team at home. At 0-3 their playoff chances look grim, but 0-4 would be a death sentence. I don't have the stats to back me up, but I'm pretty sure teams that start 0-4 don't make the playoffs.

Ravens (+2) over PATRIOTS

The Ravens have destroyed two of the worst teams in the NFL (Chiefs and Browns) at home, and beaten a tough Chargers squad on the road. They've haven't done anything to make me think they can't go into Foxboro and hand the Pats a loss.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS

I wish Michael Irvin still worked for ESPN. Irvin, perhaps best known for sporting a quadruple windsor knot tie that barely made it past his neck, loved to throw the term "lock of the week." Well, Irvin would have given the Bengals his stone cold, lead pipe lock of the week. The Browns have looked horrendous on offense and defense, the players have already quit on their head coach, and they already switched quarterbacks. They've scored one offensive touchdown in nine games. Unless you think Derek Anderson can suddenly turn things around, bet the farm on the Bengals.

Giants (-8.5) over CHIEFS

This is a dangerous line for the Giants. This is their second consecutive road game, and they play at Arrowhead. Kansas City actually has one of the few remaining home field advantages in the NFL, but in the end, the Giants have too much going for them.

Lions (+10) over BEARS

The Bears lost to the Pack in week 1 and got bailed out by missed field goals in weeks 2 and 3. They could easily be 0-3. The Lions looked decent against the Skins last week...

/burns Redskins jersey

...so I think the Lions have a chance (but only if Kevin Smith plays).

REDSKINS (-7.5) over Bucs

The Skins are horrible, but the Bucs can't score. Even the most offensively inept team in the league should be able to score 10 points against the Bucs.

COLTS (-10) over Seahawks

No Hasselbeck + Seahawks on the road = Definite Colts win. I'm taking the Colts this week in pick 'em.

SAINTS (-7) over Jets

Both of these 3-0 teams are 6-0 against the spread. I say Drew Brees keeps the Big Easy bandwagon going with a gritty win over Dirty Sanchez.

Bills (-1) over DOLPHINS

This feels like a trap game from Vegas. New quarterback from Miami + 0-3 team should = Bills win. Probably the least confident of all the picks on this one.

49ERS (-9.5) over Rams

This is another high line from Vegas. I'm a little worried that the Niners won't be able to score enough points with Gore out to cover this line. However, with Kyle Boller at the helm, the Niners D should stop the Rams

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys

The Cowboys have beaten the Panthers and Bucs but hardly looked good doing it. So you're telling me they are going into the thin air of Denver and hanging a big L on the 3-0 Broncs? Good sir, I would call you a liar.

STEELERS (-6.5) over Chargers

This is a rematch from last year where Troy Palamalu scored that crazy TD at the end of the game to allow the Steelers to cover the spread...only they didn't allow the TD and the Chargers ended up covering. I say Tomlin puts on his game face and dominates the Turner-led Bolts.

Packers (+3.5) over VIKINGS

He who shall not be named returns to play his old team, blah blah blah. BRIT FAR!! BRIT FAR!!! Just a lofty gunslinger back there in the pocket!! He wears Wrangler jeans!! He's a kid having a good time!! On principle alone, I'm taking the Pack.

Week 4 Quick Picks

Suicide Pool: Colts

Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Bengals -6

Last Week: 9-7

Season: 16-14

NFL Week 3 Picks

Week 2 was a ho-hum, so-so effort. This week I guarantee more than 9/16 picks or your money back.

Titans (+2.5) over JETS

Classic trap game for the Jets. Adrian Grenier is quite poised (sportswriters word du jour) but the Titans are desperate.

TEXANS (-4) over Jaguars

An ole Texas sized shootout.

Chiefs (+8.5) over EAGLES

8.5 is too many points to give to a Kevin Kolb team. Then again, it might be too much for a Matt Cassel team to overcome.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns

For the second straight week, this will be my stone cold, lead pipe lock of the week. The Browns can't score, and the Ravens are flying on offense and defense. If you're still alive in pick 'ems and haven't used Baltimore, this is the week to use 'em.

Giants (-6.5) over BUCS

If I was a gambling man, I would look at the Giants hard this week. Sure they've had to to travel quite a bit the last 6 days, but talent wins of Byron Leftwich.

Lions (+6.5) over REDSKINS

Again, just like last week, I think the Skins will win. But they've scored one offensive touchdown in two weeks, so they shouldn't be favored by more than one TD. Let's call it Skins 19-14.

Also, do you think Campbell and Zorn at checking out the specials at Zaytinya in this picture?


RAMS (+6.5) over Packers

Even though the Rams suck, they still haven't played a home game. The Packers offensive line looked horrendous last week, and it doesn't look to get any better this week. Wouldn't be surprised to see an upset here.

VIKINGS (-7) over 49ers

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, loves the Niners this week. I haven't seen one column where the writer was picking the Vikes. Am I missing something here? Sure there first two opponents were the Browns and Lions, but they still crushed them. The Niners can't pass while the Vikes can stuff the run with Kevin and Pat Williams.

PATRIOTS (-4) over Falcons

This is the week B & B get back on track. The Falcons have played two homes games and haven't had to travel yet. Yep, gimme the Pats.

Bears (-2.5) over SEAHAWKS

This is strictly if Hasselbeck doesn't play. Even if he does, I say he's ineffective. Damn, I hate to see Cutler at 2-1.

Drew Brees (-6) over BILLS

This games calls for wind and rain, which usually means lots of field goals and punting. Except when Drew Brees and the Saints play. This years MVP.

Dolphins (+5.5) over CHARGERS

Always take the opponent over a Norv Turner led team in September. That strategy rarely fails.











BENGALS (+4) over Steelers.

Kiss the baby. The Steelers haven't lost at Cinci since 2001. I think its close, but the streak will continue.

Broncos (-1.5) over RAIDERS

JaMarcus Russell alert! Good God! He's terrible!

Colts (+2.5) over CARDINALS

I'll take the over in this one. WAAAY OVVER. The Colts D was completely gassed after the Monday night affair. Short week and they have to play the Cards high flying attack. Oh, and the Colts offense isn't too bad either.

Panthers (-8.5) over COWBOYS

I'm guessing we see more shots of Jerry Jones picking his nose during this game.



Week 3 Quick Picks
Suicide Pool: Ravens
Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Ravens -13.5
Last Week: 9-7
Year: 9-7*

*Apparently the rules committee is nullifying my 16-0 week since I didn't actually make any picks.

NFL Week 2 Picks

Lets get right into the Week 2 picks...

Raiders (+4.5) over CHIEFS

When we last saw the Raiders and Chiefs, they were playing the role of pick 'em bracket busters by hanging around against the Chargers and Ravens. The Raiders might actually be decent and the Chiefs still have Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen and Matt Cassel on their roster.

TITANS (-6.5) over Texans

That sound you just heard was people jumping off the Texans bandwagon. For the 13th year in a row, this was supposed to be the season the Texans made "the jump" to an elite team. Well, when you lose by 17 points AT HOME TO A ROOKIE QB IN HIS FIRST NFL GAME, you aren't that good. Plus Tennessee's coach has the best mustache in the bizzzness.



Patriots (-6.5) over JETS

Lets just say I think Belichick will draw up something special for Sanchez. Brady might throw for 400 yards and then blow off Suzy Kolber after the game.


PACKERS (-9.5) over Bengals

I watched my first Hard Knocks episode last night featuring the who dey Bengals. I know, I know, it's a great show and I should have seen it long ago, but Child Please. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what the Bengals do, they'll always get screwed. Exhibit A.



LIONS (+9.5) over Vikings

I was just bragging that I own Drew Brees or Adrian Peterson in every fantasy league I'm in. Peterson will probably tear both ACL's now that I've said it. I just reverse jinxed myself my knocking on my faux wood desk.


Saints (+1.5) over EAGLES

Here's a toast to the greatest fantasy QB in all the land, Drew Brees. Plus, the Eagles will either play Kevin Kolb or an injured McRib...so yeah, I'll take the best offense in the league.

FALCONS (-5.5) over Panthers

Simmons is crazy and Jake Delhomme sucks.

Rams (+10.5) over REDSKINS

Lets get one thing straight: I still think the Redskins will win. However to cover the 10.5 points, their offense would actually have to, you know, score points. That seems like a tall order, even against the worst team in the NFL. I see a lot of punting and field goals. Call it 16-9 Skins (with a Cooley TD, obviously).

JAGUARS (-3.5) over Cardinals

This game is at 1 PM ET and the Cardinals are a West Coast team. That's all I need to know.

49ERS (-1.5) over Seahawks

The Seahawks are back, but everyone knows they're a great home team, mediocre road team. Plus I'm fired up just to see Coach Singletary drop trou in the lockeroom during a halftime speech.





Bucs (+4.5) over BILLS

I picked the Patriots in my pick 'em pool last week, so I was happy to see the Bills collapse. However, I couldn't help but feel sorry for that franchise. Much like the Bengals, nothing seems to go right for their team. I say that lose haunts them the rest of the season and they'll never be confident enough to close out games. The Bucs were actually decent last week and could have scored more if not for a few errant Leftwich throws.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Browns

While the Bengals might be cursed from that play, the Broncos use it as a springboard for a little run in September. Plus, playing the Browns always help.

Ravens (+4.5) over CHARGERS

Like any Norv Turner coached team, the Chargers always start slow. They have all the talent in the world, but lack that killer instinct. This week they face the Ravens, who haven't allowed a 100 yard rusher since the mid-80's. LDT is banged up and Darren Sproles is 5'6". Gimme the Ravens in this weeks stonecold, leadpipe lock.

Steelers (-2.5) over BEARS

This is a close game. The Steelers know how to win close games. The Bears don't.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS

Very excited to see Jeff Feagles bang a couple of punts off the new scoreboard in Dallas. I say Dallas got lucky last week, while the Giants O-line completely dominated anything the Skins tried to do.

Colts (-2.5) over DOLPHINS

How 'bout the Wildcat??!?!? Yeah, seems D Coordinators have figured it out.

Week 2 Quick Picks
Suicide Pick 'Em: Redskins
Stone Cold, Lead Pipe Lock: Ravens (+4.5)
Last Week: 16-0. I have to check my figures, but yes, I believe that's correct.
Season: 16-0

The NFL Makes Their Triumphant Return

OH MY GOD!!! OH SWEET JESUS!!!

/breaths in paper bag
//has resident nurse pat his forehead with damp cloth

The NFL is back, and I couldn't be happier. After growing a long, silver beard and pontificating on global politics during the offseason, I am finally able to focus my attention to football. In the seven months since the Super Bowl, I've been living off the land in Central Park, smoking a lot of peace pipe, and sacrificing sewer rats to the Gods. I had two goals to accomplish during my spiritual trek: (1) pray for a Redskins Super Bowl; and (2) make picks.

/yells obligatory "crabcakes and football, that's what Maryland does" chant to unsuspecting officemates.

The season opens in Pittsburgh where the mighty Steelers square off against the Titans. The Steelers have won their last 6 opening games and have scored 24 points in all of them. The Titatns? Well, the Titans still have Kerry Collins at QB. The line is -6 for the Steelers, but I say that isn't high enough.

Pick:

Steelers 23
Titans 13

Woke Up On the Wrong Side of the Pillow

Since NFL Preseason is underway, I thought it would be a good time to hit the gym on the off chance the Redskins were interested in a washed up soccer player who attended Art Monk football camp when he was in 3rd grade. Since it was about 95 degrees outside with 3000% humidity, running outside wasn't an option. Therefore, treadmill it was!

Since I went to my local NYSC at 11:15 this morning, the place was empty. I quickly changed and jumped on to a treadmill to jog a few miles. About 10 minutes into my fun run, some guy saddles up and takes the treadmill RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I mean there are 40 open treadmills he could of chosen, but no, he decides to get the one next to me. He then proceeds to set the incline at a 45 degree angle (3:22 mark) and walk! In my opinion, there is nothing worse than treadmill walkers. If you are a male under 300 lbs, under 50 yrs old, you have no reason to be walking on a treadmill.

Normally, I have no problem running next to people if it's crowded. Obviously, that is unavoidable. But, if you have the pick of the litter, don't take the one next to me. It's quite similar to a man taking the urinal next to a gentleman when he has 40 other open urinals. It's just common decency.

To make matters worse, the guy smelled horrendous. I didn't think he was homeless, but you can never rule out anything when you're dealing with a thick beard. I don't know why he did it. Perhaps it was my pleasant musk, perhaps we were both wearing similar maroon t-shirts. Who knows. Furthermore, he had his own headphones that plugged into the monitor that engaged the TV. So I know he wasn't just trying to mooch off my TV.

I'm normally very considerate when I'm running, trying not to sweat profusely and cleaning up after myself. In this situation, I shook my sweaty hair out like a wet dog returning from a dip in the lake. Sweat went everywhere. Poor bastard will think twice before he takes a treadmill when he has 40 others to choose from.

/bitter

Reggie Bush...Finally Safe for Fantasy Football

Apparently Reggie Bush and his enorme derriere girlfriend (Kim Kardashian) have broken up. Reggie Bush, welcome back to fantasy relevance.

Shark Week

In honor of Shark Week, here is a movie trailer about an animal so diabolical, so calculating and so evil, I could only be talking about a sharks distant cousin, the killer whale! Be it fish or mammal, the orca is pure evil. And if you don't believe me, feast you eyes on this 1977 Bo Derek vehicle:

Real World DC

First Blonde Charity Mafia. Then Real Housewives of DC. Now, finally, Real World DC. The cauldron of sin the reality "stars" will call home sits comfortably at 20th and S. Close enough to Dupont, U St., Adams Morgan and Georgetown, the show is certain to feature lewd, crude and nude behavior. Filming starts this June. God help us all.

Where Amazing Happens

You've seen the NBA's "Where Amazing Happens" spots, but have you seen them for...

...Teen Wolf?



...or Hoosiers?

Game 7 -- Sudden Death

The Caps/Rangers game 7 finale is tonight. One can only hope it doesn't go to...sudden death.

NFL Draft

Mustache? Check.

Mullet? Check.

Laser, rocket arm? Check.

Jeff George? Nope, Matthew Stafford Sr.

The NFL Draft is tomorrow--a day where the air is crisp, the sun is bright, and the grass is green. A day where hope is renewed for every NFL team. Unfortunately, I'm going to the Jersey house that has no cable so I'll be refreshing ESPN's home page like crazy. When the Skins trade every pick next year for Mark Sanchez, please call/text me with your condolences.

Thank you.

Delhomme Signs Extension

What does five interceptions and one fumble get you in a meaningful playoff game? If you're Jake Delhomme, it nets you $42.5 million, $20 million guaranteed. Since Delhomme and the Panthers cost me millions ($20, actually) in my NFL playoff pick 'em pool, this doesn't please me one bit.

But Who Will Sex Mutombo?

Dikembe calls it quits.

Lindsay Soto

Gratuitous cleavage shot. Rob Niedermayer, you sly fox.

Wolverine

Wolverine premiers in a few weeks, and the trailer makes it seem like a pretty standard popcorn movie. However, I wonder if movie execs are concerned about Hugh Jackman's image after the Oscar's. His performance on stage was hardly what you would expect from an intimidating half-man, half-wolf character. Because when I think of Wolverine, I certainly think of song and dance routine.